Me Share You

If you seem to be the one doing everything to care for your parents, you may begin to feel angry. If you have brothers or sisters, you begin to resent the fact that all the responsibility falls on your shoulders. You might be the one who lives closest to mom or dad, but does that mean that caring for them is your responsibility alone?

Do you get comments, complaints or critique from your brothers and sisters about the decisions you are making for your parents? Do they complain about the way you are taking care of your parents? You can't help but to feel frustrated that you are subjected to the criticism when they don't seem willing to step in and help.

So how do you deal with it? Should you just grin and bear it? Do you risk damaging the relationship with your siblings if you lash out in frustration and anger? Neither is a good solution.

Care giving is an around the clock responsibility. If the elderly person lives in your home, there seems to be no relief. In most cases, it is the daughter who ends up being the primary care giver. Sometimes there is no meeting or consultation with siblings, it just happens. The other children often state that you are the best person to do the job. Maybe this is because you are working outside the home only on a part time basis. You might have just retired from your job and planned to travel or enjoy this time in some other way. You might have worked hard for many years in order to have this time to travel or pursue special interests.

Your siblings may see only that you are available. That makes it very easy for them to justify the fact that they leave the care of mom or dad to you alone.

Sometimes addition financial responsibilities fall to you as well, simply because you are involved. Unexpected medical and personal care expenses often crop up unexpectedly. Insurance and your parents income and savings may not be enough to cover these costs. Often your siblings don't even realize that you are out of pocket each month in providing the care that mom or dad needs.

And what about the changes in your own family life? You have a life of your own, and you need to continue to live your own life. Your relationship with your spouse and your own children may well be impacted by the time and effort you spend caring for your mom or dad on a full time basis. You may need to spend a greater amount of time caring for mom or dad, and not be able to spend as much quality time with your spouse and children. In addition, you may find that you are emotionally and physical drained when you do spend time with your family.

When you find that your life has been turned upside down, how can you handle the resentment? Don't forget to ask for their help.

The first step in keeping them involved is to update them frequently on how your parent is doing. Be sure to keep them involved in what you are doing for your parents. Share the details with them to get them involved. If they're not informed, they have an easy way out of any responsibility. If receive only criticism and no assistance from a sibling, you need to be firm. Explain to them that until he or she is willing to share in the responsibilities, you will continue to make decisions as you think best.

Let them know that you welcome help. Give them some suggestions as to how they might be able to help. The help that can give can be almost anything, from meal preparation, to bill paying. Maybe you'd like to have them provide relief care giving so that you can have a break.

Remember to be flexible and show appreciation if they do offer to help. This way, they will feel good about what they've done and will be more likely to help out in the future.